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Saturday, March 20, 2010

Surprise I'm not bashing my husband!

SURPRISE - A sudden feeling of wonder or astonishment; to come upon or discover suddenly and unexpectedly. [Surprise week starts here.Click for this week's Bliss Initiatives.]

I am a mommy blogger. My blog isn't specifically about being a mom but a mommy is what I am. I am also a full time sweetie to my husband. I write "full time" because I mean that no matter where I go I am his sweetie and I am always considering him in what I do and say. As I have been perusing a lot of mommy blogs and hanging out on playgrounds and generally going about my day I am starting to realize that this is not the universal case.

I have overheard women saying things like, "My husband is such an idiot..." or "I wouldn't trust him for more the an hour at most..." (to be with his own child!) and read on someone's blog that "Husbands shouldn't be allowed out of the house or they WILL embarrass you!" Even TV shows are in cahoots with these male bashing gals. The husbands on most sitcoms are fools who need to managed by their far superior better half. I'm don't watch a lot of current TV but that popular show from a few years back, Everybody Loves Raymond was a good case in point. I wonder if the roles were reversed and the women was being treated like an idiot if the show could have lasted. 

When did it become socially acceptable to bash our husbands? It is almost as if we can't be in the mom club if we don't. Don't get me wrong, I am not married to a saint and it totally drives me crazy when he puts an empty box of something back into the cupboard but do I really need to recount all of his flaws on a regular and public basis? If turn about is fair play what flaws of mine would I be comfortable with Rob telling to his friends? "My wife just can't seem to get the laundry done." or "She just can't seem to put a comb through our daughter's hair." Both of which would be valid complaints but I know with certainty that Rob would never think of saying such things to any of his coworkers. What happens in our home really does stay in our house when it comes to him.

My Sweetie and our girl

But put me on the playground and I sometimes feel I need to have something. Something that can make it look like I am a part of the oppressed mom club and that like the others my man could never understand how hard it is being a mom. This is not to say that moms don't have it hard because we do but why the heck would we settle for anything less then a full partner in all of it? I think that treating our husbands like idiots perpetuates a cultural pattern that moms have to do it all. 

One of my best mommy friends just wrote about a similar thing in her blog. She has two under three and her husband is seen routinely out of the house with the two of them in tow and without their mother anywhere near by!! Eek gads! Can he manage? Does he need help? Women who see him routinely offer assistance because clearly this must be an aberration. That man even packs the diaper bag!! Sadly that line is likely to get a laugh or two. Why the hell wouldn't a dad be able to do this?

This cultural insistance that our men are stupid is insidious. Well, I for one am going to do my best to resist. My husband has foibles and it could be easy to fall into this trap but it is far more worth my time to talk about the fact that he surprises me several times a week with gourmet meals he cooks himself, that he takes Jessie so I can have a few minutes to myself, that he works really hard so I can have the privilege of staying home to raise her. We look at preschools together, he joins her at her gym and music classes. We are parenting together and a snide quip on the playground hurts me even more then him.  I deserve and have a true partner and you won't catch me saying any less.

Next Post: Final surprises for the week

My 13 bliss virtues: joy, order, creativity, passion, whimsy, serenity, inquiry, community, romance, gratitude, moxie, humility, surprise


  1. Oh, Kathy, you've hit upon something I've been thinking about, too. I read a number of blogs that are funny, but often incorporate husband-bashing. Some of it may be exaggerated for the sake of a joke, but I'm sure they are based in reality. I've actually emailed a couple of the writers, women I've come to like and care about, to say, "Hey, if that's really what's happening, don't put up with need a partner" etc. But some bash their kids, too, like they are just part of the horror show that is the blogger's life. I had just decided today that I'm going to read fewer of those, although I'll keep up with the folks I've come to know and try to give encouragement.

  2. If I bash my husband what exactly does that say about me?
    My husband is my partner and no we don't always agree and yes we BOTH do some crazy stuff that would give us enough ammo for a week of posts but at the end of the day...he is who I'll be cuddling up with not my computer filled with bloggy friends or the Moms from playgroup...
    I have more reasons to boast about my husband then bash...I don't understand why some think it's the cool thing to do. To each their own.

    Great post!!

  3. Great post and love the year of bliss virtues. I'm doing a year of happiness too - I talk about it on Mondays. Visiting (a day late too) from SITS, by the way. And I'm going to become a follower. This is why I love SITS - finding a great blog!

  4. stopping by from SITS. My husband is perfectly capable of watching my son. He does a great job with him. :) I feel lucky... I don't know what all of those other women are talking about.

  5. Love this!! Couldn't have said it better myself, drives me crazy. My husband is my partner and loves to watch our son. He does notice he gets either sympathetic stares or 'googly eyes' when women see him taking care of our son without him. If I couldn't trust him with his own son...why would I be with him? And also I don't need to be supermom. I will take the help and the extra hour of sleep I get from him taking the morning shift. I love being a team!!

  6. Oh, this is so fabulous! While I will never be in the 'mom' club, I still have felt that 'outsider' feeling by NOT ragging on my husband. But, what can I tell you? He is the single most intelligent human I have ever met, as he is literally a genius, that sort of follows. He also cooks dinner, he does the laundry and does a lot of the cleaning. He is responsible, and well kept. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about with this man. ON top of all of that fabulousness..he is quite simply my best friend in the whole entirest world and I love him far too much to go around talking about him in a negative manner. Is he perfect? Nope, but he doesn't have to be. I married him for a reason...I love him! So why on EARTH would I spend time trashing the man? I wouldn't. And nobody else should do that to their spouse, either. Just say'n.


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Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues

  • 1. TEMPERANCE - Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
  • 2. SILENCE - Speak not what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
  • 3. ORDER - Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
  • 4. RESOLUTION - Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
  • 5. FRUGALITY - Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. waste nothing.
  • 6. INDUSTRY - Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
  • 7. SINCERITY - Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly.
  • 8. JUSTICE - Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  • 9. MODERATION - Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  • 10. CLEANLINESS - Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths or habitation.
  • 11. TRANQUILITY - Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  • 12. CHASTITY - Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or to the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
  • 13. HUMILITY - Imitate Jesus and Socrates.


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