Community reluctance discovered

COMMUNITY - Sharing, participation, and fellowship. [Community week begins here. Click for this week's Bliss initiatives.]


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Last community week I also said I wanted to identify all of the communities in which I play. It seems like fun. Look at my surroundings in a possible different way and see what I can discover. Instead I have noticed a reluctance. I really don't want to identify all of my communities and the reason is a bit surprising. Before I get to that, however, I would like to flash back to my participation in Tony Robbins' Date with Destiny seminar some 20 years ago now... wow time sure does fly! Anyway while I was there Tony guided us through an exercise that brought us to an aha moment about our core values and what it was that was most important to us. The thing I came up with in that moment was "Fostering Community." I really felt in the very core of my being that I wanted to do something with my life that helped to bring people together and somehow my very presence could be a catalyst for people belonging.

I had distinguished community as my highest priority. What followed was many years of me jumping feet first into participating in all sorts of communities around me. The local AFS chapter needed volunteers, ah what the heck I'd play host mom to a teenager as a 32 year old single gal [Not typical but because of my own experience as an AFSer and because of a lack in host families I was allowed to have the lovely Helena from Panama stay with me a full year, rather then as the transitional space for which I was originally approved.] I moved to a new town and hosted a "Town Warming Party"[rented the VFW hall put up flyers and said I wanted to meet my new neighbors!] Every committee or group I ran into I joined and at some point became a board member or other leader in the group. Something needs to happen, ask Kathy, she'll get it done. It was exciting and fun.

Flash forward to today. I am actually afraid of meeting my neighbors! Not of meeting them physically. What turns out to be my community reluctance has to do with my inability to say no. I'm a yes gal. I'm enthusiastic. I'm either all in or I'm out. If I get to know you I may start to feel some sort of obligation (real or made up in my head) and I would rather not get to know you so I don't have to worry about that or you for that matter. Even with my closest friends and family I have created an "arms length" sort of relationship. I'm not immediately available, I don't call back right away, I have everyone trained not to expect anything from me.

It really isn't very honest and it all stems from not knowing how to say no. My brain tells me it is ok to pass up on a dinner invitation to spend the day with my family but I'm afraid if I allow myself to be invited I won't know how to say no. If the PTA NEEDS help. If Suzy next door wants to chat, if the toy drive needs a sponsor, if the team needs a place to meet, if, if if... All this potential obligation keeps me away. Admittedly when I was playing full out I didn't ever feel oppressed by the obligation but back then I didn't have a family. I really don't have a problem stretching myself to the limit, and actually get a bit jazzed by it some times, I just can't do the same to Rob and Jessie.

I've happily signed up to be in this family and this is where my priority lies. I enjoy being selfish about our time together and if that means I get VERY selective about my community involvement I think that is right. I don't want us to live in a bubble either so some reaching out is essential. The inquiry will continue and next time the phone rings I just may answer!

Next post: Community Identified!

My 13 bliss virtues: joy, order, creativity, passion, whimsy, serenity, inquiry, community, romance, gratitude, moxie, humility, surprise

Community week begins!

COMMUNITY - Sharing, participation, and fellowship.

I just looked through the posts from my last community week and I have to laugh.  I went and got all scientific about my study of community and I didn't really increase any fellowship, sharing or participation in my own life.  In my one of the posts I distinguished the term "social capital" and I identified it as the causative factor in my favorite communities both past and present. 

In "Bowling Alone, The Collapse and Revival of American Community" byRobert D. Putnam as re-capped by Simon and Schuster "Putnam warns that our stock of social capital - the very fabric of our connections with each other, has plummeted, impoverishing our lives and communities...interviews over the last quarter century to show that we sign fewer petitions, belong to fewer organizations that meet, know our neighbors less, meet with friends less frequently, and even socialize with our families less often. We're even bowling alone. More Americans are bowling than ever before, but they are not bowling in leagues. Putnam shows how changes in work, family structure, age, suburban life, television, computers, women's roles and other factors have contributed to this decline." 

This week I will make my bliss initiatives about increasing the social capital in my communities. I've lived in my new neighborhood for more then four months now and I barely know my neighbors. There is a family with little kids diagonally across the street from us and we have never even spoken! Crazy.  I do have pockets of great social capital, like with my mom friends and families. Photos (Thank you Lisa!) are from our most recent pot luck supper. This week is about creating more of that! 

To recap for my newest readers, my Everyday Bliss game is based loosely on Ben Franklin's weekly focus on each of his 13 virtues.  Instead of using Ben's virtues, I have chosen virtues that I believe will encourage Everyday Bliss.  In addition to focusing on my virtues,  each week I come up with "Bliss Initiatives" (color coded in purple for quick identification!) which are concrete things that you too can try,  if you want to play along with me.  However, because as Earl Nightingale says, "you become what you think about,"  even if you only follow along,  and never take on any of the bliss initiatives,  I expect some increase in your experience of bliss too!

• Identify all of my communities. In this exercise I will identify all the communities where I currently participate and determine in what new communities I want to participate. This should be a very fun exercise. Some communities are obvious like families, neighborhoods but others like park users, performing art center patrons aren't always at the forefront of our minds but are still part of the world we operate in. 

• Meet the neighbors. I am going to make a point of talking to my neighbors and being outside and available late afternoons when I normally see activity on the street. I am also going to talk to my neighbor's daughter (see I don't even know her name!) about doing some babysitting for me. She is the right age, seems very nice and if she is interested it would be fabulous to have someone so close to watch Jessie from time to time.  How about you? Anyone in your communities you would like to meet? Maybe a shopkeeper who is always nice, the lady who sits next to you on train, the mom you've seen at the park? Pick someone and say hello!

• On line community development. This is a continuation of my inquiry from last week. I would like to create and/or participate in a vibrant on line community. For me this means a little more research and discovery around what I am looking for and developing what it is I want to create. I will definitely be participating more fully in the places I already visit. This initiative is about letting your voice be heard. Comment in the blogs you read, in forums you belong to contribute a post, stop lurking and start playing!

Next Post: Community discoveries

My 13 bliss virtues: joy, order, creativity, passion, whimsy, serenity, inquiry, community, romance, gratitude, moxie, humility, surprise